The Road To Candidacy is Actually a River.

I’m nearly two years into my Doctoral program at USC and deep in the belly of my dissertation. This process officially initiated for me in October and since that time I have been obsessively preoccupied with writing the first three chapters. My mind is spinning nearly 24/7. I talk about it with anyone that will listen. I cry in inappropriate places and often without provocation. This is by far the hardest thing my brain has ever done and I now know that the road to Doctoral candidacy is not a road; it is a river filled with tears.

On Tuesday, I hit the first major go/no go milestone- the proposal defense. This is where a Doctoral student submits the first 3 chapters of their dissertation- in my case the work that I produced over the prior four months- to a brilliant committee whose job it is to review it, critique it, pull it apart, and set me off in the direction of putting it back together. The goal, of course, is to produce something substantial and significant that will make a meaningful impact in my chosen field of study.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I went into the defense with a high(ish) level of confidence. I had done the work. I knew my topic inside and out. I lost no sleep. I was ready. I immediately realized I was wrong.

As promised, my brilliant committee pulled my work apart. They used words like “fallacy” and “conflation.” They were incredibly critical and constructive, all in an effort to make it better. Within the first five minutes my head was spinning and I was quickly realizing, to my horror, that it wasn’t going as well as I expected. My confidence was replaced with thoughts of giving up.

As if that isn’t enough fun, at the end of that “discussion,” the committee puts the student in a waiting room to deliberate their future. For me, I cannot overemphasize the weight of that decision; it is excruciating. I was in the waiting room for 12 of the longest minutes of my life. I used those 12 minutes to craft an apology for wasting their time and a desperate plea to allow me to keep going with a promise that I would try to do better.

At the end of those 12 minutes, when they brought me back in to render their verdict, I was absolutely shocked to learn that I had passed. I immediately started crying, because crying at inappropriate times is now a thing that I do. More tears in the river. I stepped over the proverbial threshold of Doctoral student and into Doctoral candidacy. But I still have work to do. My committee challenged me and is forcing me to grow and stretch my brain. I thought it was hard before, but the refinements that they have asked me to make are next level. I can’t stop twisting this in my brain and I honestly am not sure what I’m going to do.

But I’ll continue to pick away at it and while I do, I’ll add more tears to that river. Thank goodness I’m a pretty solid swimmer.